Are you comparing your 3D self to a cardboard cutout?

Presentation Guru has published one of my articles this week on why it's harmful to compare ourselves to others, and how to stop.

"Will you ever be a great presenter if you don’t believe in your own ability and worth? A great deal of the advice around presentation skills is focused on actual presentation techniques. Crucial – without a doubt – but just how effective if the would-be presenter isn’t in the appropriate state of mind and is constantly comparing themselves – usually unfavourably – to others? In this article, speaking coach Lisa Braithwaite explains how important it is to adopt the right mindset in order to overcome fears of our own failings and make a positive impact."

Click on over to read the whole piece!

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

June 12for12 Challenge: Prepare Your Mind

All 12for12 posts have been removed, as they are now part of my "SpeakUP! 8 Daily Challenges to Build Your Confidence Muscles at Work, at Home, and in Front of an Audience" online program, which will be launching mid-January 2013..

For more information on "SpeakUP," click here.

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Is the barrier real?

On my regular 3-mile walk, I cut through the Earl Warren Showgrounds property near my neighborhood, because it shortens the distance I have to walk along the shoulder of a busy thoroughfare. The showgrounds are home to fairs, festivals, horse shows, cat shows, Christmas tree vendors and any other event that needs a big space and a big parking lot.

Entering the property for the first time from Entrance C, I encountered this closed gate.

The first time I walked through the property, I eyed the situation and went under the gate.

It made sense, but it was a little tight, especially with my backpack.

The next time I walked through, I decided to see if I could squeeze through the space between the end of the gate and the fence.

I could get through, but it was still pretty tight. And when I'm on a power walk, I don't want anything to slow me down!

The next time, I eyed the gate again, studying it for clues as to the best way to get past it.

And then I realized that the biggest opening was the one inside the gate.

I bent over, slipped through, and continued on my way.

How did I not see this HUGE opening in the gate? Somehow, even though the gate was just an open triangle of bars, I had looked at the center of it as somehow solid and impassable.

Going around the gate didn't work. Going under the gate didn't work. Going THROUGH the gate was the easiest path! But I never saw it until I had walked that way for days.

Are you imagining barriers that aren't really there?

Do you avoid public speaking because you think you're too boring, you're too shy, you're too disorganized, you're too loud, you're too quiet, you're too "something?" Or not enough of something? And is this a real problem, or are you just imagining it to be?

Sometimes we imagine the audience is judging us or doesn't like us or isn't listening. Is it true, or is your fear and insecurity getting in the way of your connection with the audience?

Maybe the barriers are all in your head. At least entertain the thought.

And then decide how you're going to break down those invisible barriers -- my series on Thought Traps is a good place to start.

Knocking down the barriers opens up new paths and new experiences. Don't let what's in your head stand in the way of your progress in the tangible, concrete world around you.

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Do you confuse your abilities with your worth as a person?

Here's another illuminating post I'd like to share with you, by Heather Stubbs at the Tips on Talking blog.

The concept is simple: Your skill level has nothing to do with your worth as a person. So simple, yet so hard to embrace!

Here's an excerpt:

"Think of all the fields in which people work with coaches –- every sport, every art. Anyone who seeks to improve their performance in anything needs an outside pair of eyes and ears, simply because we don’t see and hear ourselves as others do. A person’s skill level has nothing to do with their quality as a person. Besides, recognizing that someone else can offer constructive input is a sign of strength, not weakness."

Heather is talking about how we frequently confuse our abilities with our self-worth, and how harmful it is to stay stuck in that mindset. If you don't keep learning, you won't keep growing. But some people can't separate constructive criticism and instruction from humiliation and failure.

Read the post here and think about this: Are you hanging your self-worth on your abilities? Or are you okay with making mistakes and accepting help as part of the learning and growing process?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Don't panic, plan it

Download audio here.



In my vast experience with panic attacks, I've learned to use various tools to help me through the intensity of the situation, some of which I shared in the linked blog post.

But something that is equally important to mention is how to prepare and take care of yourself so you face fewer of these attacks in the first place. You may not even experience full-fledged panic, but you can still prepare yourself so you don't put yourself in situations that trigger anxiety. These tricks have worked for me; maybe they'll work for you!

1. Get enough sleep

When you're tired, it's easy to overload your circuits. When you're tired, it's harder for your mind and body to handle difficult situations. If you have a presentation coming up, especially, make sure you get a good night's sleep for a few nights leading up to it.

People are shocked when I tell them what time I get up in the morning (no, it's not 5:30 a.m.), but this is what works for me and what makes me feel the most rested. You know when you're not getting enough sleep and, in fact, you may be chronically sleep-deprived. Not a good habit to get into, either for speaking or for your life in general.

2. Eat healthy food and stay hydrated

Your body needs fuel for energy. How do you expect to get up in front of a large group and give your all for an hour or more when all you've had to eat was a cup of tea and a piece of toast?

Make sure that you are well hydrated and have eaten enough actual nutrients (only you can know what works for you, but let me just say that junk food doesn't have much in the way of nutrients), so your brain doesn't stop working and you don't pass out at the end of your talk.

3. Avoid aggravating triggers

I don't mean panic triggers here. What I mean is, avoid the things that you know will upset or aggravate your system in some way. It might be some food that doesn't agree with you, or cigarette smoke that aggravates your asthma or allergies. For me, it's caffeine, particularly coffee.

When I'm at a conference, I tend to drink coffee because that's what's available, preferably decaf. But I have to be really careful not to drink coffee before a presentation because 1) it makes me incredibly hyper - more so than I already am, 2) the acidity upsets my stomach, and 3) I would have to run out of the room three times to use the restroom. If I were anxious about speaking, drinking coffee would exacerbate my anxiety tenfold.

4. Know what you're getting into

In this post, I wrote about preparing for the things that you fear, like losing your place or the audience noticing your nervousness. And it's always good to know how you would handle these kinds of situations.

However, it's also important to take your own physical and mental health and comfort into account during your presentation.

For example (speaking of food again...) if I know I'm going to be in a training for several hours, I bring snacks to eat in the breaks. If I don't, I will become hungry, then weak, then lightheaded. I know myself.

If you have a hard time speaking for long periods of time, break up the presentation so your audience does some of the work for you in small groups. If your feet hurt when you wear heels, don't wear heels, or invest the time and money in comfortable ones. If you're always hot or cold, check the room in advance to make sure you're dressed appropriately for the temperature.

There's so much to think about when preparing for your presentation, but your mental and physical health and comfort are just as important as the presentation itself. Take care of yourself and the rest will come much easier.

How do you care for yourself before presentations? Share in the comments!

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Avoiding public speaking intensifies your fear

I've written before about my own experiences with panic attacks, about thought traps that mistake emotions for reality, dealing with setbacks, and letting go of the negative.

All of those articles include helpful tips for dealing with anxiety, but here's the most valuable of all: Avoiding the thing that triggers your anxiety is the best way to keep it hanging over your head and controlling you. And the longer you avoid the scary thing, the bigger and scarier it gets.

From the book, "Overcoming Panic, Anxiety and Phobias:"

"When you experience anxiety or panic, you may adopt a variety of strategies in order to avert disaster. You may attempt to avoid the situation; you may focus extensively on it; or you may try to distract yourself. We call these maneuvers 'security moves.' Although they make you feel temporarily safe, you need to let go of these security moves as you learn to face the situations you fear.

Some of these security moves can be very subtle, so much a part of your reaction that you're not even aware you're making them. But when you use one of these strategies and the danger you had predicted doesn't occur, you have the feeling, often without being aware of having it, that your security move saved you. This encourages you to practice the same strategy again. Unfortunately, it does not free you from fear.

The role of avoidance -- a type of security move -- is complex. It is responsible for perpetuating your fear of certain places because the longer you avoid a place, the more likely it is that you will begin to believe that avoidance is what's keeping your fears under control. So the longer you avoid a place, the harder it becomes to go there again.

By avoiding specific places you are attempting to avoid the frightening sensations and thoughts you predict you will experience. By trying to eliminate the sensations of anxiety or panic at all costs, your fear of having these feelings ultimately intensifies."

For me, the strongest tool against panic attacks has been not to avoid the things that trigger them! If I have to sit in the middle seat at a concert, so be it. If I have to ride in a packed elevator, oh well.

The strategy of facing the scary thing served me well and helped me overcome the worst of my anxiety. Of course, I also have the tools of relaxation, breathing, calming myself, and other tools that help me face the anxiety if it does rise up. (For severe anxiety, I recommend the book above for more helpful tools.)

I have a client who has avoided public speaking for more than 20 years. Because of this, he has developed no skills, no tools for dealing with his anxiety, and no experience. He is literally starting from scratch, having to learn the basics of public speaking while also facing his fear. But he's doing it!

He's taken the first step to facing his anxiety, by setting himself up to be in a position to speak in front of a group. This might be his biggest fear, but he knows he can't get over it without doing it, without developing tools and strategies to then practice in a speaking situation.

It takes a lot of courage, and willingness to put yourself in an uncomfortable and scary situation -- to say the least.

But people do it. And so can you.

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #10: Labeling and mislabeling

Thought Trap #10: Labeling and mislabeling

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You make a mistake, but instead of thinking, "I made a mistake," you label yourself: "I'm an idiot."

When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him. "He’s a stupid jerk!" Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded, and generally not factually descriptive.

Just think of all the names you've called people who cut you off when driving, and there you have the perfect example of labeling. You really have no idea why the person did what they did; you call them an idiot anyway. You're angry at the behavior, but you label the person.

As speakers or performers, we are often way too hard on ourselves. We strive for perfection and fear letting down our audiences, never mind the anxieties about being judged or criticized.

Sometimes in this striving, we forget that we're human, that it's okay to make mistakes and it's especially okay to learn from them. We criticize the person instead of the behavior. We don't even think about it before we say it (either out loud or in our heads).

Time to rethink those automatic responses. We all have them. What's yours? Mine is "stupid." When I say or do something that feels wrong or awkward, I say "stupid" to myself. Sometimes I say it out loud and my husband has to remind me, "You're not stupid."

When you catch yourself judging yourself as a person instead of analyzing the mistake and making it better, be aware. Really listen to yourself. There's a better, more factual response, I guarantee it.

Messed up someone's name? (Idiot!) No! Tell yourself that next time you need to prepare better and make sure you have it right in advance.

Lost your place? (Stupid!) No! Tell yourself that next time you'll have better notes on hand to help if you lose your place.

Forgot part of your presentation? (Pathetic!) No! Remind yourself that the audience doesn't even know what you missed. Next time you'll practice a few more times to make sure you have it all down.

Look to the future and how you can do better, rather than judging yourself and labeling yourself as a bad person. Your actions might have been less than desirable, but you are still the good person you always were!

Here again, are some additional suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #9: "Should" statements

Thought Trap #9: "Should" statements

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You try to motivate yourself or others with should and shouldn't, must and ought. You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. You feel guilty if you break the rules and angry if others do.

Talk about pressure. The worst pressure usually comes from ourselves. Our expectations of ourselves are usually 100 times higher than anyone else's expectations.

When you put so much pressure on yourself, you're bound to fail occasionally. When you put so much pressure on yourself, you're going to let yourself down. Not to mention the disappointment you feel when others let you down by not living up to your expectations (when, of course, you can't control another person anyway).

Not every "should" is bad, of course. If your "should" resonates with who you are as a person and with your true dreams, desires, passions, interests and values, then by all means retain it. The problem is figuring out which "shoulds" fit and which ones don't.

I can tell you from my own experience that it's hard to fight some of those "shoulds." My big "should" is that I should be writing a book. After all, every other speaker/coach writes a book, or several books. If I don't have a book, I must not be as successful as everyone else. Right?

The problem with this "should" and others like it is that it may have nothing to do with what you really want for yourself. If you act in a way that follows arbitrary rules but doesn't make you happy or fulfilled, then why are you doing it? Striving to reach some unattainable level of perfection only leaves you feeling guilty and disappointed in yourself.

Ask yourself these questions when you're fighting the "shoulds:"

1. Who am I trying to please?

2. Who am I trying to impress?

3. Whose expectations am I trying to live up to?

4. Is this what I really want?

5. Is this who I really am?

6. What would happen if I dropped this "should" from my life?

What's your big "should?"

Here again, are some additional suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #8: Emotional Reasoning

Thought Trap #8: Emotional Reasoning

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You allow your negative feelings to color how you see the world by thinking, "I feel it, therefore, it must be true." You mistake emotions for reality: "I feel nervous about flying, therefore it must be dangerous."

Now here we get to the heart of many anxiety issues, not just public speaking. Emotions are powerful. They create physical sensations in the body that convince us that we should be afraid. Emotions and physical sensations together will often override the logical brain that knows there's no danger. We basically become prisoners of our emotions.

For example, after my car accident 18 years ago, I suffered from panic attacks for several months before I was able to get them under control with the help of a therapist. One of my triggers was claustrophobia.

I might go to a movie and end up in a middle seat in the middle of a crowded theater. In my mind, I would start thinking, "It's awfully crowded in here..." Physically, I would feel my adrenaline rising; my arms and neck and chest would feel hot and cold at the same time; the hair would stand up on the back of my neck. I would start looking around for an exit. Logically, was I in danger? No, but my fear and anxiety about feeling trapped, together with the physical results of the adrenaline rush would convince me that I needed to flee.

As someone with public speaking anxiety, you might feel similar sensations. Or you might feel shaky in the knees, or your heart might beat fast and your breathing might be shallow. Whatever your symptoms are, remember that your emotions are not fact. They feel real, but they are lying to you and creating a physical sensation that is not necessary -- because you are not in danger.

First, allow your breathing to slow down. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth to a slow count of six for each breath.

Tensing and releasing your muscles can be very helpful for relaxing your body; even tensing and relaxing your hands and feet can work, especially if you're sitting at a table and your hands and feet can't be seen.

Reframe your thinking; it's important that you listen to what your logical brain has to say. It's okay to feel the negative emotion, but say to yourself, "I feel scared, but it's just a feeling, not reality. It's uncomfortable, but there's nothing to be afraid of."

What's the likelihood that you really will pass out or do something embarrassing? Very little. Allow your logical brain to have a say in this. Tell yourself "I'm not in danger. I'm nervous and my body is reacting to my fear, but I can handle this."

Are you making assumptions, for example, that you need to be perfect or that you need to be completely in control? These kinds of assumptions will add to your anxiety, by creating more fear about letting down your audience or allowing them to see you as human and flawed.

Depending on your level of anxiety, these practices may not be easy, but the more you use them, the more you will be in control of your emotions and your body, and the less your emotions and body will control you. I recommend the book, Overcoming Panic, Anxiety, & Phobias: New Strategies to Free Yourself from Worry and Fear, if you want some good strategies to combat more serious anxiety.

Here again, are some additional suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #7: Magnifying and minimizing

Thought Trap #7: Magnifying and minimizing

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization -- You exaggerate the importance of negative things (your mistakes or others' mistakes) or you mistakenly shrink positive things until they appear tiny (your own accomplishments or strengths).

Two sides of the same coin here. If you do something good, it's not worth acknowledging. If you do something bad, it's catastrophic and the world is ending.

Minimizing our accomplishments is a common practice, not just among speakers. How many times has someone praised you for a job well done, and you refused to take credit or acted like it was no big deal? The classic example: Someone compliments you on your outfit and you say, "Oh, this old thing?" ;-)

Taking a compliment is hard for a lot of people, but at some point, you have to learn how to say "Thank you" with gratitude and sincerity. When someone compliments or acknowledges you, it's a gift. Don't insult them by not accepting it graciously.

Understanding and accepting your strengths and accomplishments doesn't make you conceited or big-headed. It strengthens you and builds your confidence. It allows you to take on challenges and face your fears. Whether false modesty or true denial, minimizing your accomplishments and strengths hinders your growth both professionally and personally.

On the flip side, magnifying mistakes to catastrophic proportions may not be as common as minimizing, but we've all probably done it at one time or another.

When you find yourself having these catastrophic thoughts, ask yourself how realistic your concern is. If your voice really was quivering at the beginning of the presentation, did everyone really notice? And if people noticed, so what?

If you really did forget one of your main points, will the world come to an end? Is there a way to solve the problem? Perhaps you can e-mail an additional handout to the organizer of your talk to make sure the audience receives the additional material.

Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" Ask yourself "Does this need to be fixed?" Try to be realistic, even though your mind wants to go to the worst case scenario.

Here again, suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #6: Fortune telling

Thought Trap #6: Fortune telling

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You predict that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction will be 100% correct.

This seems to be an appropriate thought trap to address on this last day of 2008. Some of us are making resolutions, some are setting goals. Some have predicted that 2009 will be their best year ever and some, unfortunately, have predicted that things will never improve.

Who's right? Who knows? We can't predict the future.

Yet every day, people convince themselves that their presentations won't be any good, that they won't be able to keep the audience's attention, that something will go wrong. They believe that fear is not only inevitable, but out of their control.

You won't know how the presentation is going to go until you deliver it. But I guarantee that there are things you can do to mitigate your concerns. Like adequate preparation and audience research. Like visualization and relaxation. Like putting your audience first and making the presentation about them and not you.

Maybe it will be great! Maybe it won't. Sometimes your fears do come true. But that doesn't mean every presentation will be terrible. We all have our ups and downs. The important thing is that you are okay with that. Negative predictions and assumptions become self-fulfilling prophecies!

Predict the positive. Expect the best from yourself.

Here again, suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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** May 2009 be your best year yet, both personally and professionally! **

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Calmness -- innate or learned?

According to a New York Times article, calmness in the face of stressful situations is linked to neuroticism levels and emotional regulation.

That is, the amount of anxiety or calmness you feel in a situation is connected with how neurotic you are, but even if you are highly neurotic, you can learn skills to regulate your emotions and appear calm in stressful situations.

From the NYT article:

"Even if you're someone who is initially anxious, you can develop tricks and strategies, so someone on the outside would say: 'Her, anxious? She's awesome at cocktail parties, she's great at public speaking,'" Professor Gross said. "They wouldn't understand that if you didn't have those strategies, you wouldn't be able to do those things."

And from the BPS article:

"Zernike's article describes how self-regulation can be achieved by identifying the beliefs you hold that link a given situation and your typical behavioural response. For example, an angry boss might lead you to break down because of your intervening belief(s) 'my boss hates me, everyone hates me, I'm a failure'. By changing your mental interpretation of the situation to a more rational version 'my boss often gets angry with staff, this isn't personal, actually he praised me the other day' - the breakdown can be averted. Indeed, attempting to break dysfunctional links between thoughts, feelings and behaviours is exactly how cognitive-behavioural therapy aims to help people deal with symptoms of anxiety and depression."

(For more on the dysfunctional links between thoughts, feelings and behaviors, check out my Thought Traps series.)

An interesting point that comes up in the article is that it's not always desirable to be calm; calmness can be perceived as uncaring or aloofness. Something to think about as a speaker: calmness in the face of nervousness is good, but you still need to express some emotion to engage the audience. Otherwise you might come across as distant and dull.

Read the BPS Research Digest Blog for a synopsis and supplemental links, and the New York Times article for more detail.

You can take an online version of the Big 5 test here to see how neurotic you are. (I scored low -- whew!)

And for some calming strategies:

Ground yourself

What if your worse public speaking fear comes true?

Preparation Rituals Series

Don't rush it

Four steps to controlling your fear

See, hear and taste your audience

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #5: Jumping to conclusions

Thought Trap #5: Jumping to Conclusions

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Now, let's be honest, people. This is something most of us do on a daily basis.

You don't hear back from someone you e-mailed last week, and you jump to the conclusion that he's blowing you off. Then you discover that there was a death in the family and the person has been otherwise occupied.

As a speaker, this might happen when an audience member asks a challenging question, and you jump to the conclusion that the person is trying to make you look bad, so you respond defensively.

Or the audience gets up and leaves quickly after your presentation, instead of sticking around to talk and ask questions, so you jump to the conclusion that you weren't any good.

Jumping to negative conclusions is a big sign of insecurity and, let's face it, a lot of us have some level of insecurity. It's hard sometimes to imagine that what seems to be a negative occurrence is not negative at all or, in fact, has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

Allow yourself to entertain some other possibilities besides the negative ones.

An audience member asks you a challenging question? Maybe he's really just trying to understand.

The audience gets up and leaves quickly? Maybe they're taking their colleague to lunch and their reservation is in ten minutes. (This happened to me).

Someone doesn't return your e-mail or phone call? The person got busy, went on vacation, your e-mail went to her spam folder.

If you're concerned, follow up with someone. If you're worried that the presentation didn't go well, talk to the organizer afterward to get feedback or, if you're so inclined, hand out evaluations to be returned later.

Talk to the audience member after the presentation to see if his tough question was answered sufficiently. You might end up having a great conversation with an interesting person.

The trick is not to let yourself get caught up in negative speculation. Speculation has nothing to do with reality and facts, and jumping to negative conclusions just makes you feel bad about yourself.

Here again, suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

(Buy your very own "Jump to Conclusions Mat" here.)

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #4: Discounting the positive

Thought Trap #4: Discounting the positive

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You reject positive experiences by insisting they don't count. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences (for example, making excuses when someone gives you a compliment). You often react by putting yourself down.

Do you find yourself discounting your public speaking successes?

When someone praises you for a job well done, you might say, "They just don't know what a good speaker sounds like," or "They just have low standards," or "Anyone could have done it -- I just threw it together."

It's important for you to acknowledge when you do well, because you learn from doing well just like you learn from mistakes.

Look back at your presentation and think about the moments when you were really connecting with the audience. Think about the moments when they were totally engaged. Think about what made them smile, laugh, or raise their hands to ask questions.

Can you incorporate more moments like those? Can you remember what you did so you can do it again next time?

Giving a good presentation is rarely a matter of luck. It comes about through a combination of preparation, connection, awareness, value, authenticity and passion.

Looking for what you've done well and striving to repeat it has nothing to do with "getting a big head" or being "full of yourself." You're not conceited, arrogant, or vain for making note of your success.

It's okay to embrace and celebrate your successes and remember your accomplishments. Acknowledging what you've done well will help you become a better speaker.

Here again, suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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Thought Trap #3: Mental filter

Continuing on in the series on thought traps.

Thought Trap #3: Mental Filter

You pick a single negative detail and obsess on it so that your vision of reality becomes blocked, like blinders on a horse. In situations with both positive and negative aspects, you dwell on the latter.

This is a common public speaking thought trap, one that I've fallen into many times.

You finish a presentation. You know it went well, the audience is responsive and has great things to say afterward, and you achieved what you were trying to achieve.

But you get one negative evaluation, and that's all you think about. One person gives you a "2" instead of a "5" and you decide that you blew it.

Or your presentation is going well, with great audience response, but there's one person in the audience who sits with arms crossed, frowning. You decide that you're screwing up because this one person refuses to engage with you.

We tend to overexaggerate the negative and downplay the positive in these kinds of situations, so instead of brushing it off or taking it with a grain of salt, we obsess and obsess and try to figure out how we could have made that one person happy.

For this thought trap, I'd like to direct you to two places for some perspective: a compilation of responses on SpeakerNet News for how to deal with a negative evaluation and a Speaker Sue post on picking yourself up after you fall.

Here, again, are suggestions on how to approach these thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

Photo by mnsc

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #2: Overgeneralization

Continuing on in the series on thought traps.

Thought Trap #2: Overgeneralization

You see a single negative event as a never ending pattern of defeat. Phrases like "You always" or "You never" are examples. You hurt someone's feelings and think, "I'm always insensitive." You make a mistake and think, "I never get things right."

Is this one of your public speaking thought traps?

If you forget a portion of your presentation, do you say to yourself, "I never remember anything"? If you go over your time slot, do you say, "I always run out of time"?

One major problem with overgeneralization is that you allow yourself no motivation for change. If you determine that you're "always" or "never" this way, why bother doing anything about it? This is a dangerous thought trap to fall into. It reminds me, in fact, of Carol Dweck's "fixed mindset." Not a healthy place to be, or an easy place to get out of.

Again, here are steps for approaching these thoughts once you become aware of them:

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #1: All or nothing thinking

One of my clients is a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology. She runs a weekly in-patient group for people who have depression, and she uses a tool that I find applicable to all of us.

The focus of this weekly group is "thought traps," ways of thinking that create negativity and keep us from seeing the positive in our lives. While people with depression might experience thought traps as a significant part of their illness, we all experience them from time to time.

I'm going to cover these thought traps over the next few months, one at a time. Recognizing your thought traps about public speaking is the first step to changing them -- and changing the way you view public speaking altogether.

Thought trap #1: All or Nothing Thinking

You see things in black and white. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

How many times have you said to yourself after a presentation, "I forgot to make that important point," "I stumbled over my words," "I looked at the floor too much?" And then, instead of acknowledging one or two mistakes and moving on, you declared the presentation "a disaster."

Here are some suggestions on how to approach these thoughts once you become aware of them (from a great article in Mother Jones about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

Is it that you forgot to make the key point, or is it that you didn't prepare enough? Or is it something else altogether, like not organizing the flow of the presentation in a way that made sense?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

Are you embarrassed that you forgot the point, disappointed that you didn't prepare enough, or frustrated about not organizing the presentation well?

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

If you feel embarrassed, do you find yourself thinking, "The audience thinks I'm an idiot?" Or if you feel disappointed in yourself, does that become, "I'm so lazy. I never take the time to do things right?"

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

Pay attention to those thoughts and reframe the way you perceive yourself. "Everyone forgets things sometimes, and I'm no different. The audience doesn't even know I forgot anything." Or, "I'm not lazy. I'm usually very organized. I got busy and ran out of time this week."

I would add one more to this list, specifically regarding public speaking:

6. Take action.

What will you do differently next time?

Are you an all-or-nothing thinker? Share your examples in the comments!

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!