Thought Trap #10: Labeling and mislabeling

Thought Trap #10: Labeling and mislabeling

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You make a mistake, but instead of thinking, "I made a mistake," you label yourself: "I'm an idiot."

When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him. "He’s a stupid jerk!" Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded, and generally not factually descriptive.

Just think of all the names you've called people who cut you off when driving, and there you have the perfect example of labeling. You really have no idea why the person did what they did; you call them an idiot anyway. You're angry at the behavior, but you label the person.

As speakers or performers, we are often way too hard on ourselves. We strive for perfection and fear letting down our audiences, never mind the anxieties about being judged or criticized.

Sometimes in this striving, we forget that we're human, that it's okay to make mistakes and it's especially okay to learn from them. We criticize the person instead of the behavior. We don't even think about it before we say it (either out loud or in our heads).

Time to rethink those automatic responses. We all have them. What's yours? Mine is "stupid." When I say or do something that feels wrong or awkward, I say "stupid" to myself. Sometimes I say it out loud and my husband has to remind me, "You're not stupid."

When you catch yourself judging yourself as a person instead of analyzing the mistake and making it better, be aware. Really listen to yourself. There's a better, more factual response, I guarantee it.

Messed up someone's name? (Idiot!) No! Tell yourself that next time you need to prepare better and make sure you have it right in advance.

Lost your place? (Stupid!) No! Tell yourself that next time you'll have better notes on hand to help if you lose your place.

Forgot part of your presentation? (Pathetic!) No! Remind yourself that the audience doesn't even know what you missed. Next time you'll practice a few more times to make sure you have it all down.

Look to the future and how you can do better, rather than judging yourself and labeling yourself as a bad person. Your actions might have been less than desirable, but you are still the good person you always were!

Here again, are some additional suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #9: "Should" statements

Thought Trap #9: "Should" statements

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You try to motivate yourself or others with should and shouldn't, must and ought. You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. You feel guilty if you break the rules and angry if others do.

Talk about pressure. The worst pressure usually comes from ourselves. Our expectations of ourselves are usually 100 times higher than anyone else's expectations.

When you put so much pressure on yourself, you're bound to fail occasionally. When you put so much pressure on yourself, you're going to let yourself down. Not to mention the disappointment you feel when others let you down by not living up to your expectations (when, of course, you can't control another person anyway).

Not every "should" is bad, of course. If your "should" resonates with who you are as a person and with your true dreams, desires, passions, interests and values, then by all means retain it. The problem is figuring out which "shoulds" fit and which ones don't.

I can tell you from my own experience that it's hard to fight some of those "shoulds." My big "should" is that I should be writing a book. After all, every other speaker/coach writes a book, or several books. If I don't have a book, I must not be as successful as everyone else. Right?

The problem with this "should" and others like it is that it may have nothing to do with what you really want for yourself. If you act in a way that follows arbitrary rules but doesn't make you happy or fulfilled, then why are you doing it? Striving to reach some unattainable level of perfection only leaves you feeling guilty and disappointed in yourself.

Ask yourself these questions when you're fighting the "shoulds:"

1. Who am I trying to please?

2. Who am I trying to impress?

3. Whose expectations am I trying to live up to?

4. Is this what I really want?

5. Is this who I really am?

6. What would happen if I dropped this "should" from my life?

What's your big "should?"

Here again, are some additional suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #8: Emotional Reasoning

Thought Trap #8: Emotional Reasoning

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You allow your negative feelings to color how you see the world by thinking, "I feel it, therefore, it must be true." You mistake emotions for reality: "I feel nervous about flying, therefore it must be dangerous."

Now here we get to the heart of many anxiety issues, not just public speaking. Emotions are powerful. They create physical sensations in the body that convince us that we should be afraid. Emotions and physical sensations together will often override the logical brain that knows there's no danger. We basically become prisoners of our emotions.

For example, after my car accident 18 years ago, I suffered from panic attacks for several months before I was able to get them under control with the help of a therapist. One of my triggers was claustrophobia.

I might go to a movie and end up in a middle seat in the middle of a crowded theater. In my mind, I would start thinking, "It's awfully crowded in here..." Physically, I would feel my adrenaline rising; my arms and neck and chest would feel hot and cold at the same time; the hair would stand up on the back of my neck. I would start looking around for an exit. Logically, was I in danger? No, but my fear and anxiety about feeling trapped, together with the physical results of the adrenaline rush would convince me that I needed to flee.

As someone with public speaking anxiety, you might feel similar sensations. Or you might feel shaky in the knees, or your heart might beat fast and your breathing might be shallow. Whatever your symptoms are, remember that your emotions are not fact. They feel real, but they are lying to you and creating a physical sensation that is not necessary -- because you are not in danger.

First, allow your breathing to slow down. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth to a slow count of six for each breath.

Tensing and releasing your muscles can be very helpful for relaxing your body; even tensing and relaxing your hands and feet can work, especially if you're sitting at a table and your hands and feet can't be seen.

Reframe your thinking; it's important that you listen to what your logical brain has to say. It's okay to feel the negative emotion, but say to yourself, "I feel scared, but it's just a feeling, not reality. It's uncomfortable, but there's nothing to be afraid of."

What's the likelihood that you really will pass out or do something embarrassing? Very little. Allow your logical brain to have a say in this. Tell yourself "I'm not in danger. I'm nervous and my body is reacting to my fear, but I can handle this."

Are you making assumptions, for example, that you need to be perfect or that you need to be completely in control? These kinds of assumptions will add to your anxiety, by creating more fear about letting down your audience or allowing them to see you as human and flawed.

Depending on your level of anxiety, these practices may not be easy, but the more you use them, the more you will be in control of your emotions and your body, and the less your emotions and body will control you. I recommend the book, Overcoming Panic, Anxiety, & Phobias: New Strategies to Free Yourself from Worry and Fear, if you want some good strategies to combat more serious anxiety.

Here again, are some additional suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #7: Magnifying and minimizing

Thought Trap #7: Magnifying and minimizing

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization -- You exaggerate the importance of negative things (your mistakes or others' mistakes) or you mistakenly shrink positive things until they appear tiny (your own accomplishments or strengths).

Two sides of the same coin here. If you do something good, it's not worth acknowledging. If you do something bad, it's catastrophic and the world is ending.

Minimizing our accomplishments is a common practice, not just among speakers. How many times has someone praised you for a job well done, and you refused to take credit or acted like it was no big deal? The classic example: Someone compliments you on your outfit and you say, "Oh, this old thing?" ;-)

Taking a compliment is hard for a lot of people, but at some point, you have to learn how to say "Thank you" with gratitude and sincerity. When someone compliments or acknowledges you, it's a gift. Don't insult them by not accepting it graciously.

Understanding and accepting your strengths and accomplishments doesn't make you conceited or big-headed. It strengthens you and builds your confidence. It allows you to take on challenges and face your fears. Whether false modesty or true denial, minimizing your accomplishments and strengths hinders your growth both professionally and personally.

On the flip side, magnifying mistakes to catastrophic proportions may not be as common as minimizing, but we've all probably done it at one time or another.

When you find yourself having these catastrophic thoughts, ask yourself how realistic your concern is. If your voice really was quivering at the beginning of the presentation, did everyone really notice? And if people noticed, so what?

If you really did forget one of your main points, will the world come to an end? Is there a way to solve the problem? Perhaps you can e-mail an additional handout to the organizer of your talk to make sure the audience receives the additional material.

Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" Ask yourself "Does this need to be fixed?" Try to be realistic, even though your mind wants to go to the worst case scenario.

Here again, suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #6: Fortune telling

Thought Trap #6: Fortune telling

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You predict that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction will be 100% correct.

This seems to be an appropriate thought trap to address on this last day of 2008. Some of us are making resolutions, some are setting goals. Some have predicted that 2009 will be their best year ever and some, unfortunately, have predicted that things will never improve.

Who's right? Who knows? We can't predict the future.

Yet every day, people convince themselves that their presentations won't be any good, that they won't be able to keep the audience's attention, that something will go wrong. They believe that fear is not only inevitable, but out of their control.

You won't know how the presentation is going to go until you deliver it. But I guarantee that there are things you can do to mitigate your concerns. Like adequate preparation and audience research. Like visualization and relaxation. Like putting your audience first and making the presentation about them and not you.

Maybe it will be great! Maybe it won't. Sometimes your fears do come true. But that doesn't mean every presentation will be terrible. We all have our ups and downs. The important thing is that you are okay with that. Negative predictions and assumptions become self-fulfilling prophecies!

Predict the positive. Expect the best from yourself.

Here again, suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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** May 2009 be your best year yet, both personally and professionally! **

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #5: Jumping to conclusions

Thought Trap #5: Jumping to Conclusions

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Now, let's be honest, people. This is something most of us do on a daily basis.

You don't hear back from someone you e-mailed last week, and you jump to the conclusion that he's blowing you off. Then you discover that there was a death in the family and the person has been otherwise occupied.

As a speaker, this might happen when an audience member asks a challenging question, and you jump to the conclusion that the person is trying to make you look bad, so you respond defensively.

Or the audience gets up and leaves quickly after your presentation, instead of sticking around to talk and ask questions, so you jump to the conclusion that you weren't any good.

Jumping to negative conclusions is a big sign of insecurity and, let's face it, a lot of us have some level of insecurity. It's hard sometimes to imagine that what seems to be a negative occurrence is not negative at all or, in fact, has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

Allow yourself to entertain some other possibilities besides the negative ones.

An audience member asks you a challenging question? Maybe he's really just trying to understand.

The audience gets up and leaves quickly? Maybe they're taking their colleague to lunch and their reservation is in ten minutes. (This happened to me).

Someone doesn't return your e-mail or phone call? The person got busy, went on vacation, your e-mail went to her spam folder.

If you're concerned, follow up with someone. If you're worried that the presentation didn't go well, talk to the organizer afterward to get feedback or, if you're so inclined, hand out evaluations to be returned later.

Talk to the audience member after the presentation to see if his tough question was answered sufficiently. You might end up having a great conversation with an interesting person.

The trick is not to let yourself get caught up in negative speculation. Speculation has nothing to do with reality and facts, and jumping to negative conclusions just makes you feel bad about yourself.

Here again, suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

(Buy your very own "Jump to Conclusions Mat" here.)

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #4: Discounting the positive

Thought Trap #4: Discounting the positive

Continuing on in the series on Thought Traps.

You reject positive experiences by insisting they don't count. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences (for example, making excuses when someone gives you a compliment). You often react by putting yourself down.

Do you find yourself discounting your public speaking successes?

When someone praises you for a job well done, you might say, "They just don't know what a good speaker sounds like," or "They just have low standards," or "Anyone could have done it -- I just threw it together."

It's important for you to acknowledge when you do well, because you learn from doing well just like you learn from mistakes.

Look back at your presentation and think about the moments when you were really connecting with the audience. Think about the moments when they were totally engaged. Think about what made them smile, laugh, or raise their hands to ask questions.

Can you incorporate more moments like those? Can you remember what you did so you can do it again next time?

Giving a good presentation is rarely a matter of luck. It comes about through a combination of preparation, connection, awareness, value, authenticity and passion.

Looking for what you've done well and striving to repeat it has nothing to do with "getting a big head" or being "full of yourself." You're not conceited, arrogant, or vain for making note of your success.

It's okay to embrace and celebrate your successes and remember your accomplishments. Acknowledging what you've done well will help you become a better speaker.

Here again, suggestions on how to approach these negative thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #3: Mental filter

Continuing on in the series on thought traps.

Thought Trap #3: Mental Filter

You pick a single negative detail and obsess on it so that your vision of reality becomes blocked, like blinders on a horse. In situations with both positive and negative aspects, you dwell on the latter.

This is a common public speaking thought trap, one that I've fallen into many times.

You finish a presentation. You know it went well, the audience is responsive and has great things to say afterward, and you achieved what you were trying to achieve.

But you get one negative evaluation, and that's all you think about. One person gives you a "2" instead of a "5" and you decide that you blew it.

Or your presentation is going well, with great audience response, but there's one person in the audience who sits with arms crossed, frowning. You decide that you're screwing up because this one person refuses to engage with you.

We tend to overexaggerate the negative and downplay the positive in these kinds of situations, so instead of brushing it off or taking it with a grain of salt, we obsess and obsess and try to figure out how we could have made that one person happy.

For this thought trap, I'd like to direct you to two places for some perspective: a compilation of responses on SpeakerNet News for how to deal with a negative evaluation and a Speaker Sue post on picking yourself up after you fall.

Here, again, are suggestions on how to approach these thoughts once you become aware of them (from a Mother Jones article about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

Photo by mnsc

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #2: Overgeneralization

Continuing on in the series on thought traps.

Thought Trap #2: Overgeneralization

You see a single negative event as a never ending pattern of defeat. Phrases like "You always" or "You never" are examples. You hurt someone's feelings and think, "I'm always insensitive." You make a mistake and think, "I never get things right."

Is this one of your public speaking thought traps?

If you forget a portion of your presentation, do you say to yourself, "I never remember anything"? If you go over your time slot, do you say, "I always run out of time"?

One major problem with overgeneralization is that you allow yourself no motivation for change. If you determine that you're "always" or "never" this way, why bother doing anything about it? This is a dangerous thought trap to fall into. It reminds me, in fact, of Carol Dweck's "fixed mindset." Not a healthy place to be, or an easy place to get out of.

Again, here are steps for approaching these thoughts once you become aware of them:

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

And my addition:

6. Take action. What will you do differently next time?

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Thought Trap #1: All or nothing thinking

One of my clients is a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology. She runs a weekly in-patient group for people who have depression, and she uses a tool that I find applicable to all of us.

The focus of this weekly group is "thought traps," ways of thinking that create negativity and keep us from seeing the positive in our lives. While people with depression might experience thought traps as a significant part of their illness, we all experience them from time to time.

I'm going to cover these thought traps over the next few months, one at a time. Recognizing your thought traps about public speaking is the first step to changing them -- and changing the way you view public speaking altogether.

Thought trap #1: All or Nothing Thinking

You see things in black and white. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

How many times have you said to yourself after a presentation, "I forgot to make that important point," "I stumbled over my words," "I looked at the floor too much?" And then, instead of acknowledging one or two mistakes and moving on, you declared the presentation "a disaster."

Here are some suggestions on how to approach these thoughts once you become aware of them (from a great article in Mother Jones about cognitive therapy and thought traps):

1. Write it down. Writing automatically provides perspective and helps reveal distorted thinking.

2. Identify the distressing event. What's really bothering you?

Is it that you forgot to make the key point, or is it that you didn't prepare enough? Or is it something else altogether, like not organizing the flow of the presentation in a way that made sense?

3. Identify your negative emotions.

Are you embarrassed that you forgot the point, disappointed that you didn't prepare enough, or frustrated about not organizing the presentation well?

4. Identify the negative thoughts tied to your emotions.

If you feel embarrassed, do you find yourself thinking, "The audience thinks I'm an idiot?" Or if you feel disappointed in yourself, does that become, "I'm so lazy. I never take the time to do things right?"

5. Identify distortions and substitute the truth.

Pay attention to those thoughts and reframe the way you perceive yourself. "Everyone forgets things sometimes, and I'm no different. The audience doesn't even know I forgot anything." Or, "I'm not lazy. I'm usually very organized. I got busy and ran out of time this week."

I would add one more to this list, specifically regarding public speaking:

6. Take action.

What will you do differently next time?

Are you an all-or-nothing thinker? Share your examples in the comments!

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!