You can save the day

In 2020, with three days' notice, I filled in for a speaker who was unable to shift to virtual in the first week of lockdown.

In 2023, I filled in—with zero notice—for a speaker who didn't show up at all. I was sitting in the room waiting for their presentation with the rest of the audience. The room was full, I had already presented once at the conference, so I volunteered to do the session. 🤷🏻

Next month, I'll be filling in for a speaker who had to change their session date at the last minute (three weeks is last-minute in the speaking world!).

Are you always ready to present? Or say a few impromptu words if asked?

If your boss or a colleague reached out and said "So-and-so can't make it tomorrow; can you fill in?" would you be able to say yes? 🤔

You can always be prepared to speak. And perhaps you should be!

Think about the next event you're attending. Is it a graduation, retirement dinner, birthday, wedding or other celebratory occasion? Are you close to the guest of honor in some way?

Don't be caught off guard if the host asks you to make some remarks! 

It doesn't have to be more complicated than, "I've enjoyed my six years working with Jackie. She always brought the best snacks, and I wish her all the best in her future adventures."

Always assuming you'll be asked to speak will serve you better than hoping you're never asked to speak. Write a few words in your phone or on a piece of paper in your pocket. Ready!

I'm a professional speaker, so people assume I enjoy impromptu speaking—which I don't.

But I could spend five minutes talking about a paperclip or my mom's meatloaf if someone requested it. And I'm always ready to help out by filling in.

Think about it:

You could save the day! 

You could be the go-to person everyone thinks of in a pinch.

You could be building your spontaneity muscles and providing critical support when needed. 

"But I'm not good at thinking on my feet!"

Most people who seem impressive at thinking on their feet have spent a lot of time "thinking at their seat" as TJ Walker puts it. 

Keep learning and writing about, reflecting on, and otherwise engaging with your topics of expertise. Note what questions people ask and anticipate new questions, objections and misconceptions.

You may have three weeks, three days, or three minutes to prepare mentally. But you CAN be ready. You can even save the day. 🦸🏻⚡

(Pics: March 2020, speaking for National Speakers Association - Michigan on three days notice. Shifted my existing workshop on webinars into my Go Virtual training with practical tools for remote live presenting! And April 2023 filling in at Associations West with a spontaneous session also on virtual presenting. Do I talk with my hands? YES.)

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If you're not nervous, your presentation might suffer

If you're not nervous, your presentation might suffer.

It doesn't mean you have to be shaking in your boots to give a good performance (because that's not good for anyone), and it doesn't mean that you can't experience incredible energy and a sense of flow and connection during the performance.

What it means is that, in order to do a good job, we have to *care.* We have to be committed to delivering our best AND delivering what the audience needs, wants, and cares about. And there is ALWAYS uncertainty when you're getting in front of a group for the first time.

I'm giving my first significant keynote in December. Yes, I'm nervous! That doesn't mean I don't have 100% confidence in my ability to deliver an amazing experience. It just means that I care!

Top speakers, athletes, and entertainers will always be nervous before an event because they're committed to excellence, and they don't rest on their laurels of previous successes.

Here's a snippet of a conversation between Eddie Murphy and Jerry Seinfeld, from Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee:

Eddie: "The times I've gotten on stage and felt totally loose with no energy of being uncomfortable at all, I would do shitty. I wouldn't have as strong a set."

Jerry responds.

Eddie: You gotta have a little bit of "What if this shit doesn't... what if they don't get all of this shit?" I always do best when I have a little bit of that.

And here's a conversation between Conan O'Brien and Chris Farley, after Chris Farley took a pratfall in his character of motivational speaker Matt Foley:

Conan: "The falling down helps, right? Always gets a laugh."

Chris: "Yeah, it breaks the ice a little bit...."

Chris: "....It's like a first hit in football. It takes the butterflies away. 'Cause I was backstage like, going, 'Oh God—they're gonna know I'm dumb!' So I just fall down, try to do something physical."

Some people are so petrified that they avoid public speaking at all costs. Some get a little stage fright right before beginning their presentations, and it goes away quickly.

And a manageable amount of nervousness is beneficial to a speaker. For one thing, it's a signal to your body that you're in a heightened state of awareness. (I'll be talking more about this in my new course, FYI!)

Nervousness is a part of public speaking like crashes are part of the Tour de France. The best way to deal with nervousness is not to try to eradicate it, but to learn to manage it as a tool and use it to your advantage.

🧪🦠🧠Want to learn more about the biology, chemistry and psychology behind public speaking nerves, and also learn how to manage your nervousness, channel the adrenaline, and work on your mindset around the adrenaline rush?

I've got a new course coming out JUST on public speaking nerves and stage fright. Comment below or message me to get the link when I make it available for pre-order at a special rate.

(Pic: Here I am feeling super relaxed AFTER speaking on a panel.)

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Are your identities "real?"

Are you a "real" writer? A "real" artist? A "real" speaker?🤔

I've published a nonfiction book, a microfiction story, and I write practically every day, as well as competing in writing challenges. I even wrote a children's book that I've never published.

Why does it feel weird to call myself a writer?

Do you have the same barrier?🧱

We watched the movie "A Little White Lie," and this bit of dialogue hurt:

"Teresa: I'm excited for the students to meet, like, a real writer.

Shriver: Well, aren't there plenty of real writers here? T., Simone?

Teresa: It's like the only place you can find their books is in the college bookstore in the local author section."

Ouch.🤕

You can't find my book in brick and mortar bookstores. It's on Amazon and some other online sites, and I have a couple boxes in my office for events and clients. But it's not a best seller or known by more than probably a thousand people.

Even though I write every day, how many people see it? Not many, in the grand scheme of things.

So can I call myself a writer? If I'm not famous? If I don't make a living at it?

Well, yes. Yes I can.

Because I decide what my identities are. I'm a "real" writer.📝

An electrician has to go through training and then an apprenticeship, gain thousands of hours of experience, then take an exam and get an certificate before they can even apply for a license.

Of course, writing, speaking and making art aren't as dangerous as electrical work, and I would like to know an electrician won't kill me or himself working in my house.⚡🔌

But if there isn't some external "proof" of your identities, how can you know what to call yourself?

My husband paints; his art is all over our house. Has he sold any? No. Does he have formal training? No. Is he an artist? He hesitates to own that identity, but yes, he is.

I used to market my programs and coaching to "speakers," but I realized that so many of the business presenters I work with—who speak as part of their jobs or as a way to gain visibility and credibility—don't identify as "real" speakers.

So they didn't see themselves in my marketing!💡

Now I call them something they can identify with: "business presenters" or "people who speak for their organization." That one's a little awkward. 🤷🏻

How about you? Are you uncomfortable identifying yourself a certain way because you don't feel "real?"

How would it feel to say "I'm a speaker," "I'm a writer," "I'm an artist," "I'm an athlete," or "Insert yours here?"🎉

P.S. Also, transgender and nonbinary people have real identities, whether you believe in them or not.

👇🏼Share your thoughts below! 

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You get the courage after you do it

You're not going to build public speaking confidence before you do it. That's not the way it works.

You have to actually do the presentations, build the skills, get the experience, survive and learn from your mistakes. That's how you build your confidence.

And every time you you mess up and you don't die, you put that in your back pocket and you pull it out the next time you need a little bit of courage to get in front of an audience or to do something risky.

Unfortunately, it's pretty hard to build courage or confidence if you're not doing the thing you're scared shitless of.

[Thanks to "Three Kings" for this excellent piece of dialogue.

Archie Gates : The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.

Conrad Vig : That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.

Archie Gates : I know. That's the way it works.]

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Is "fake it till you make it" bad advice?

Do you hate the expression "fake it till you make it?"

To me, the issue isn't so much with the idea of "faking it" as it is with "making it."

Honestly, I fake it all the time. When I attend an event where I'm nervous and don't know anyone, and would rather be at home with my laptop and cats, you can bet I'm faking confidence when I first walk in.

I kind of play a character, but the character is ME: the most confident, outgoing version of me. And the beauty of it is, as I warm up and meet people, the character goes away, and the confident, outgoing version of me remains.

It's one thing to pretend you know things you don't know, pretend to be someone you're not, to overrepresent your skills or credentials, to make up things that can be proven false. That's not what I'm advocating.

There's a structured way to fake it, a tool used in psychotherapy called "act as if." It's a tool of narrow focus specifically on behavioral change; that is, you're not meant to "act as if" you're a medical doctor if you're not.

But it's used as a way to rehearse behaviors that you want to change, but that seem daunting.

For me, "acting as if" at a networking event looks like walking up to people and putting out my hand to introduce myself, even though it feels awkward and scary.

(See photo of me "acting as if" at a table with strangers 😱👇🏼 the night before a conference. Linda Harvell and Kindra Fry were sitting together and saw me eating alone. Before long, they brought three more "orphans" into the fold, and we became besties!)

"Acting as if" in public speaking might mean making eye contact or smiling, even if it feels awkward and scary.

So faking it, to me, is a natural part of learning, rehearsing and absorbing new and uncomfortable behaviors so we can eventually do them more naturally.

I do get stuck on the concept of "make it." Because this end result sounds vague. What does it even mean? Will I ever NOT be nervous in a room full of strangers? Unlikely. Making it implies an end point, where there might never be one.

I prefer "fake it till you find it." I wish I could say I made this up, but I poked around and it already exists. Darn it.😆

It’s already within you to be more confident, to feel more comfortable in your own skin, to take risks of putting yourself out there more and being seen and heard.

But finding it is not the end result. When you find it, then you can cultivate it. You can keep growing and improving and building on what's already there.

What do you think? Keep "fake it till you make it?" Change it to "fake it till you find it?" Something else?👇🏼

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Why is it okay to not know some things, but not okay to not know other things? 🤔

It never occurred to me until about 10 days ago that I could put a shower cap on and keep my hairdo for an extra day!

Is anyone going to think I'm an idiot for not having thought of this before? And if they do, do I really care? I don't know everything. 🤷🏻

So now let me ask you this... Why are you embarrassed to admit you don't know everything about public speaking and presentations?

SOOOO many people are embarrassed about asking for help on things they aren't experts in. Guess what: you can't be an expert on everything!

You're an expert in some areas, and it's your job to know about those areas.

But you don't have to know everything about accounting, marketing, sales, coaching, speaking, or other things that are outside your area of expertise, right?

If you take your car to a repair shop, are you embarrassed that you don't know how to repair your car? If you have somebody do alterations to a pair of pants, are you embarrassed that you don't know how to sew?

I actually have clients who don't want their names on my website, even though they'll give me testimonials. Because they don't want anyone to know they went to a speaking coach.

Look, I just figured out that a shower cap is my new best friend. I'm 56 years old and I never thought of using a shower cap. Big fucking deal!

Do you need help with your speaking? There's nothing to be embarrassed about! I study this every day. It's my life's work. It's not yours. It's perfectly okay not to know stuff.

So how about reaching out and getting some support?

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How's your mental game?

Athletes know that a major component of being successful in sports is having the right mental attitude or mindset. Presenting is a lot like playing a sport both in the physical and mental preparation aspects, but a lot of presenters' mental game is not up to the challenge.

What do I mean by "mental game?"

1. Anticipate, plan and prepare for anything that might go wrong

What happens if your computer crashes while you're showing slides? What happens if you lose your place? What happens if someone challenges your facts during Q&A?

Sometimes you're prepared to speak for an hour, but the meeting before you goes long and your time gets cut. Sometimes you expect an audience of fifty and you get an audience of five.

Having a strong mental game means being able to shift gears at a moment's notice, take what you're given, and run with it.

2. Reframe nervousness into positive attitude and energy

There's no difference between "bad" and "good" adrenaline - your thoughts assign adrenaline negative or positive value. Thought stopping, positive self-talk, relaxation and other mental and physical tools can get you in a calmer state to face your audience.

3. Visualize yourself relaxed and connecting with the audience

Envision yourself nailing your presentation in front of a satisfied and smiling audience. Elite athletes use visualization and mental rehearsal both to imagine a successful outcome of an event and to rest and relax.

4. Give 100% when you only feel 50%

I've presented with a 104-degree fever. I've given a training on two hours of sleep. I've delivered workshops while dealing with grief and loss. Your audience deserves your very best. If you can't reschedule (and I would've if I could've!), give them what they came for and recover later.

5. Accept that mishaps will happen, and handle them with grace and humor

Everyone makes mistakes, and most of the time your audience doesn't even know you've messed up. Suck it up, laugh it off, and move on!

The mental game of speaking parallels the mental game of sports, and speakers can learn a lot from athletes who use these tools.

What else would you add to my list? Please share!

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Three options for when you have to speak after "that guy"

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You will be judged

I haven't been completely honest with you.

I've been posting a lot lately about body positivity and age positivity because so many women hold themselves back from getting in front of an audience because of shame or embarrassment about their bodies and their appearance.

I've been telling you that you have to get out there anyway. And I stand by what I've said! But I've omitted something.

You may be lucky enough not to have any trolls or haters, but the truth is, others will judge you. This is really what lies at the root of avoiding public speaking. Avoiding judgment.

Whether your concern is losing your place, boring the audience, getting tongue-tied, or being unable to answer questions, these all come down to a fear of being judged.

Judged inadequate. Judged incompetent. Judged insufficient. Rejected.

And as much as I remind my clients that audiences want you to succeed, there is a legit reality here:

We're judging and critiquing people all the time.

We walk down the street noting what people are wearing, what they're saying, what they're holding, what they're doing. We notice, we filter, and then we move on.

We do this to determine lots of things, but mostly: Is this person like me? How much is this person LIKE me or DIFFERENT from me?

We're always subconsciously trying to figure out our relationship to others. Should I smile? Should I be threatened? Is he trustworthy? Does she want something from me? Can I connect with him?

We're social animals. Pack animals. Herd animals. We rely on the herd for our survival, so in a sense, we're like any suspicious and wary animal. Yes, we are like dogs sniffing butts.

So you ARE being judged. But not in the way you think. The audience is trying to determine their relationship with you. Can they trust you? Will you listen to them and understand where they're coming from? Is this relationship worth their time and money?

Your job on stage is to connect, relate, serve and deliver.

You don't have to be LIKE your audience to do so. but you do have to honor what the audience needs, wants, and cares about. Your words have to be consistent and aligned with your actions and emotions. You have to be sincere, authentic, and focused on serving the audience.

If you make a mistake, this doesn't damage your relationship with the audience. They won't judge you for forgetting what you were saying or having an equipment snafu. It's not the technicalities that interfere with your relationship.

What DOES damage your relationship with the audience is lack of connection, lack of understanding of who they are and what they want, not putting in the time to provide an excellent experience, and overly anxious concern for your own well-being.

When you get past that, nothing can scare you anymore.

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Stop hiding [part 3]

Remember last year, when no one could get their hair cut or colored professionally? There was a huge panic among women...especially around those silver roots😱👩🏼‍🦳.

Remember what happened? Thousands, maybe millions, of women went natural! The Instagram #SilverSisters hashtag BLEW UP, as well as #GrayHairDontCare and #SilverHairDontCare.

Some of my speaker friends thought they would never get another gig if they went silver... but we now see that, while the pandemic definitely made it hard to get work, it was never about the hair.⠀⠀⠀

Other speaker friends freaked out about having headshots that were different from their real hair... so they went to Fiverr and got their headshots doctored to show the new silver hairdos!

One friend mentioned she was ordering purple hair color because "It's not like I'm going to be doing any speaking any time soon!"

I replied "Why not? The world has gone virtual, and so can you!"

Her answer "Maybe after I do the purple—right now I look like Cruella de Ville and I think I would scare small children!" (Which would be a problem if small children attended her presentations.)

Look: If we can't be human and authentic right now, in this time and place, when we've all been forced to peel back the layers of our souls, when can we?

You have ALL the tools you need. People still need your expertise, your brilliance, your unique perspective and voice.

Your hair (your body, your appearance, your age) is not the problem.⠀⠀

👂🏼What's holding you back is between your ears.👂🏼

Let's get back out there and keep on #SpeakingUpForChange!

Reach out for a free consultation: I can help you get your message out to the world!

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Stop hiding [part 2]

"Forgive the no-makeup face!"

"Please don’t judge the 'fresh face.'"

"Ignore the no-makeup morning face."

"Forgive the 'I work from home' messy bun and lack of makeup."

Have you apologized for your appearance on social media?

This is a picture I deleted the other day instead of posting. I didn't love how the lighting brought out my rosacea and my blemishes, so took a couple more that were more flattering.

I see multiple women EVERY DAY apologizing for looking like themselves, for showing their real faces. I see even more women who won't even post a picture without makeup or a heavy filter.⠀

You are not your appearance. You are SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!

Check out all those red marks on my face, my wrinkles, my not-plucked eyebrows, my blotchy chest, my chin scar and spider veins from having my chin bashed in in a car accident.

Are you judging me? Do you dislike me? Are you embarrassed or sad for me? If so, buh-bye. I don't need you here. But if you're thinking, "Of course I'm not judging you for looking like a 56-year-old woman who's had a LIFE," then I would like you to apply that to yourself!

As I said in my previous post, I talk to so many women who are afraid of being judged on their appearance, who are hiding, avoiding speaking, avoiding shooting video, avoiding being seen.⠀⠀⠀⠀

And I will say it again: The world still needs to see you, hear your message, learn from you. You have SO MUCH TO GIVE. And we really don't care how you look while you're giving it!

And people who DO care? F#ck 'em.

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Stop hiding [part 1]

I consider this to be a horribly unflattering picture of me. Not only is my hair thinning, I have a couple of bald spots that happened spontaneously a couple of years ago that never grew back.

I don't like how my aging body looks a lot of the time. I have a weird hump that's probably from years of bad posture and leaning into a computer screen. I've lost my confident stride since I broke my leg and foot last year, hobbling around like a little old lady.

But guess what: THIS IS HOW I LOOK. When I go out into the world to get my mail, to see friends, to go grocery shopping... this is how I look. Do I stay home all the time so no one will see me? Of course not! This is how I look in the world.

I've heard from SO many women that they don't want to speak in front of an audience, or even shoot video, until they lose weight. Or they don't want to be seen because they have crooked teeth or some other perceived flaw. 

But guess what: THIS IS HOW THE WORLD SEES YOU. Unless you hide in your house 24/7, people have seen you, at your current weight, with your crooked teeth, or thinning hair, or accent, or whatever else you think is "wrong" with you.

It doesn't matter what you look like. The world still needs to see you, hear your message, learn from you. You have so much to give. Get in front of the 🗣👩‍👩‍👧‍👧audience. Shoot the 📱🤳🏼video.

Need some support? Let's talk! I will gently push you out of your comfort zone!

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Even Eddie Murphy needs the nerves

I loved this conversation between Eddie Murphy and Jerry Seinfeld on "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee."

Those of us who have the most experience speaking and entertaining on stage know this to be true: If you're not a little bit nervous, you just don't do as well.

It doesn't mean you have to be shaking in your boots to give a good performance (because that's not good for anyone), and it doesn't mean that you can't experience incredible energy and a sense of flow and connection during the performance.

What it means is that, in order to do a good job, we have to care. We have to be committed to success, both in delivering our best and delivering what the audience needs, wants, and cares about.

Top speakers, athletes, and entertainers will always be nervous before an event because they're committed to doing their best and they don't rest on their laurels of previous successes.

So when a client comes to me and they say they don't want to be nervous when speaking, I have to tell them the truth: Eradicating all nervousness serves no purpose. 

What I CAN help with is managing nervousness, channeling the adrenaline, and working on your mindset around the adrenaline rush so you use it to serve your needs and your audience's needs.

Check out the conversation below!

Eddie Murphy: The times I've gotten on stage and felt totally loose with no energy of being uncomfortable at all, I would do shitty. I wouldn't have as strong a set.

Jerry Seinfeld: You wouldn't have. 

Eddie: No. 

Jerry: Right. 

Eddie: You gotta have a little bit of "What if this shit doesn't... what if they don't get all of this shit?" I always do best when I have a little bit of that.

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There's no such thing as a dry topic, only a dry speaker

The other day someone commented on a post I wrote, saying, "Public speaking is easy if you love what you're speaking about and know it thoroughly. Then you just can't wait to stand up and tell everyone about it."

But sadly, not everyone feels passionate about their speaking topic. Many of my clients are business and nonprofit leaders who love much of their work, but have to speak (both internally and externally) about a range of topics they aren't excited about.

I also have clients who aren't passionate about their jobs at all, but they still have to go to work every day and complete their duties, some of which involve speaking. 

A client once told me that part of her problem around creating an engaging presentation is that "It's just a job." She was going to be introducing her company as a sponsor at an industry networking event, and she had no real motivation to speak. She didn't have an emotional connection to the work and therefore couldn't see how to make it exciting for the audience.

Business speakers are frequently put in the position of giving presentations they don't care much about. A department report in a staff meeting, a compliance presentation, a discussion of company financials that only 5% of your audience understands: Sometimes you just don't have enthusiasm for your topic. 

At the same time, you have people like me telling you to make your topic engaging and interesting for the audience.

What to do?

I tell speakers that your audience is always asking "What's in it for me?" In this case, I want you to ask yourself this question first.

1. What are the benefits, opportunities and possibilities that come your way when you give a presentation?

Perhaps:

You get to practice your communication and leadership skills

You get to show your boss that you're a team player

You get to demonstrate your expertise and authority on a subject

You get to learn and grow from your experience and mistakes

You get to build confidence in your abilities

You get to learn and practice a skill that you can take with you to any job in the future

2. What DO you enjoy about your job or this topic? Where do you find satisfaction? What accomplishments make you feel good about your work?

If you can figure out what matters to you, you can make it matter to your audience. If you need to persuade your audience to do something, whether it's hire your company, purchase your product, give to your cause or just turn in their forms by the deadline, you can dig down and find that thing. 

3. Now that you know what the benefits are to you, go back and dig up the benefits to the audience. 

In the case of my client, something she enjoyed about her job was teaching employees how to pass a particular test, because she knew she was helping them achieve goals to further their careers. By helping these employees succeed on the test, she was also making the industry better for all of us who are consumers of that industry. 

We talked about how to make this the focus of her presentation. If that's what she cared about, she knew she could make the audience care about it, too. And it ended up being a much more interesting speech than, "Here's what we do... we have x numbers in the industry... we are customer-oriented... hire us."

Not every speaker has the luxury of being "passionate" about their topic. Oftentimes, speaking is a mundane duty that holds excitement for neither the speaker nor the audience.

But deep down inside, we can always find the thing that clicks. There's no such thing as a dry topic, only a dry speaker!

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How to be comfortable with uncertainty

I had an enlightening conversation with my acupuncturist yesterday about the uncertainty of life, that triggered a revelation I want to share with you as a lesson for public speaking.

But first, let's go back to December 1, 1990. I was a happy-go-lucky grad student on my way home from the store on my scooter, with a few groceries in a paper bag tucked under my feet. 

In a split second, I was a no longer happy-go-lucky grad student, lying in the middle of a busy intersection with blood pouring down my face, having been hit by a car that didn't see me—head-on.

Due to the head injury and other bodily injuries, and the length of my recovery time, I ended up finishing grad school in two years instead of one. My future changed that day in many ways.

December 4, 2017 was the day the Thomas Fire began, right down the road from us in Ojai, eventually burning through 440 square miles of Ventura and Santa Barbara Counties, destroying over 1,000 structures, damaging 280, and ultimately causing $2.2 billion in damages.

If it wasn't enough that many lost their homes and businesses (the fire raged for a month, causing such poor air quality that people stayed inside, not shopping, eating out, or pursuing any leisure activities), we had heavy rains the following month. The rains caused a massive debris flow in Montecito, in the area of a burn scar, which killed 21 people.

March 2020: Coronavirus. Need I say more?

What do all these things have in common? In a split second, those of us involved faced death, disability, destruction, disaster, devastation.

Now, let's go back to September 1987. I started a new job and met the man who would become my husband. Three months later, we had our first (group) date, and the rest is history.

How about March 2018, when a rambunctious cow cat named Benjamin, in need of a home, streamed through my Facebook feed? A week later, he was soothing our grieving hearts after having recently lost our 14-year-old TigerLiger to cancer.

Again, in a split second, life changed. But in these examples, instead of destruction and devastation, love came into our lives.

We've been talking about COVID as a "time of uncertainty." And of course, it is. Life has changed and will never go back to the way it was.

But isn't this always true? Isn't every day uncertain? Do we ever know what's going to happen tomorrow? 

In a split second, everything can change. And it does. On a regular basis. Not just now. Not just because of COVID, and not just because of a looming election. Not just because of climate change or because of racial unrest. In a split second, everything can change. And it does. Every single day.

What's happening right now is that this uncertainty is right up in our faces. We can't hide from it. It's easy to forget that life is so unpredictable. We don't like to be reminded.

I was wondering why this "uncertainty" hasn't bothered me as much as it has bothered some. After all, I never know where my next client is coming from. I never know if we'll face a raging fire that takes our home. I never know if I'm going to be healthy tomorrow, or if perhaps I'll fall down the stairs and break my leg. Oh yeah, that already happened on the 4th of July. So that's out of the way.

I also never know if something amazing is going to happen tomorrow! With COVID, I'm seeing so much innovation and creativity, that I'm overcome with optimism for our future. 

And in this experience lies the difference between how I face uncertainty and how many others face it.

I see the possibilities in the world. When I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, that's okay. I know I don't control the outcomes of everything. In fact, I control the outcomes of very few things in my life, when I really think about it. And I'm okay with that.

I wasn't always this way. I have been a major control freak in the past. That car accident in 1990 set me straight.

I was in a lot of pain. I couldn't think straight due to my head injury. I couldn't do my grad school homework. My short-term memory was shot. And I started having panic attacks and anxiety that have never fully gone away and are now managed with medication. I couldn't control my body or my mind. Wow. Not good when you're used to the illusion of controlling everything!

Guess who had to get over being a control freak, and super fast? Yep, this chica. (I had a great therapist who helped me recognize this!)

One of the things that many of my speaking clients hate is the uncertainty of presenting. You can practice for days and weeks. You can record yourself. You can create the most beautiful, perfect slides. You can hire an expert like me to ensure you are performing at your best.

But when Zoom goes down for hours (like it did this week), or your client forgets to set up your polls and breakout rooms, or you wake up with laryngitis (happened to me) or your next-door neighbor starts up the leaf blower right outside your window, how exactly are you in control?

We can have contingency plans all day long—and many speakers do! It's a really good idea. But life is uncertain. Presenting is uncertain. Every time you present, you are stepping into the great unknown. And ultimately, we can look at that as potential disaster, or we can look at it as potential possibility.

You actually get to choose how you see the world, how you perceive change, disruption and the unpredictable nature of life.

I had a client who used to dread speaking. We worked on his mindset. After a radio appearance he had feared, he told me that he actually enjoyed himself. In changing his mindset about the possible outcomes, he realized "I had no reason to believe it wouldn’t go well."

How about you? Can you practice making this mental shift? It's true, tomorrow could be a disaster. You could get hit by a bus. Or you could get pooped on by a bird. Or you could win the lottery.

Or, to paraphrase my favorite Instagram dog Beaux Tox, tomorrow could be the best day you have ever had in your whole entire life!

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Adjust your expectations of virtual presenting

One of the things that presenters love so much about being in front of a live audience is the instant gratification of your audience's responses.

We're in direct contact with the emotional impact of our words and delivery. The audience smiles, they laugh, their body language changes and shifts. They murmur to their neighbors. They raise their hands. They frown and grimace. We can immediately see and hear their reactions; their reactions feed into what we do next. We respond to their responses. We give them energy, and they give it back.

Virtual presenting lacks immediacy. It lacks instant gratification. And a lot of speakers are freaking out right now because they can't get immediate gratification from their audiences.

As speakers, we have to shift our expectations of what we can receive from the audience. But that doesn't mean that the audience isn't receiving anything from us. Just because we don't see them laugh or smile, clap or gasp at something shocking, or turn to their neighbor with a comment, it doesn't mean they're not receiving our energy, our humor, or our message.

When we present virtually, everything is delayed. The time it takes for people to respond, whether they're on webcams and smiling, laughing, and clapping, or muted, off-camera and typing into the chat, is slower.

If you're using the chat box to take questions, comments, or responses to your own questions (like yes and no), you have to sit and wait. When you ask a question and your participants are self-muted, they have to unmute. Sometimes they begin speaking without unmuting themselves, and you have to wait for them to figure it out. And then unmute!

It's uncomfortable. I get it. For those of us who've been presenting online for a long time, this is not new. We don't love it, but we understand it, and we expect it.

If online presenting is new to you, you're learning a completely new skill. You're learning patience and delayed gratification.

I'm seeing a lot of comments and concerns from presenters that they fear their audiences aren't receiving value, because the speakers aren't seeing/hearing responses to their words. I also see a lot of concern that humor isn't landing, because speakers can't see or hear the audience's laughter or smiles.

So I want to ask you two questions.

1. Are you truly concerned that the audience isn't receiving value?

2. Or are you uncomfortable with a lack of instant gratification?

These are two very different things.

It's difficult to present when we're not getting audience feedback in the form of verbal or nonverbal communication, but that doesn't mean that the audience isn't receiving value.

The more you incorporate interaction into your virtual presentations, whether it's polling, asking for comments in the chat, asking them to click the buttons for yes and no, or asking them to unmute themselves and make a comment, the more you'll see that your audience is indeed finding value in your presentation.

And by the way, there is no way that they will ever give you 100% of their attention during an online presentation. They don't even give you 100% of their attention in a live presentation. So you need to get past that unrealistic expectation and continue to give value and provide opportunities for interaction. You just have to continue bringing their attention back into the session.

If the problem is that you're craving instant gratification, then I invite you to think about what that means.

The desire for instant gratification, from the audience giving you feedback and attention through immediate emotional response, is more about you than it is about them and their needs.

As I said above, patience is a new skill to be learned. You have to be patient and trust the process. You have to trust that your humor is landing, that your audience is responding, and that your content is sticking.

Sure, the laugh track on a comedy show, or the live audience on a late night talk show make the comedy land better. There's a reason comedians like to pack their rooms full—shared laughter is contagious. But it's still funny, even without the live response. Have you watched any of your favorite talk show hosts lately? Aren't they still funny? Aren't you still reacting?

Near the end of a training last week, I commented that I wanted to end on time because we had been together for almost four hours. One of the participants typed, "This has only been almost 4 hours?" I laughed and thanked him for letting me know that the time had passed quickly. And another participant typed "Thank you, the fast pace is helping!"

After another recent online training, I received this email from one of the participants: "Just when I was beginning to give up after seeing one horrible online presentation after another, you showed it could be done and done well. Plus interactive, which is the hardest thing for an inexperienced speaker to figure out."

I'm not sharing these quotes to brag, but rather to demonstrate that you often won't know how your audience has received your presentation until it's over! But if you're getting notes and comments like these, then you know that you're hitting all the right spots, even if you can't see and hear your audience's reactions in real time.

Let go of your previous expectations of live presenting. Virtual presenting is a whole different world. A lot of what you know from live presenting does transfer over. But some things just don't. And it's okay.

Move forward with a new awareness and a new intention to serve your audience, whether or not you can see and hear them!

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Fear isn't the reason you avoid speaking...

Raise your hand if you watched "Free Solo," the documentary about Alex Honnold's untethered climb of El Capitan's 900-meter vertical rock face at Yosemite National Park.

Now raise your hand if you watched with one eye closed, hands in front of your face, hiding in a closet!

Sometimes even watching someone else do something frightening scares us: even when we know he emerges unscathed!

The interesting thing about watching Honnold scale El Cap is that he wasn't scared (or at least not as much has he should have been!).

He was cautious. He was careful. He was alert. He was deliberate. He was methodical. And he was prepared.

One thing Alex Honnold doesn't do: Avoid rock climbing because he might fall.

And yes, this is a metaphor for public speaking. Cuz you know me and you know where this is going.

"I try to expand my comfort zone by practicing the moves over and over again. I work through the fear until it's just not scary anymore."

What does Honnold do in order to expand his comfort zone? He practices. Over and over again.

Makes sense, right? The more you practice, the more you put yourself into the situation that scares you, the more comfortable you become.

First of all, let's just get this out of the way: Alex Honnold is what is known as a "freak of nature," a person who is uniquely suited to what he does, because of genetics, because of training, because of his particular mental makeup. No amount of doing what Honnold does will make you Honnold.

But getting back to practical matters: You might argue, "But Alex Honnold LIKES rock climbing. He's not doing it because he HAS to. He practices because he likes doing it."

Fair enough. And here's what I say to that: You don't HAVE to do public speaking. You GET to do public speaking!

Here are a couple of examples of what you get every time you give a presentation, whether you're an entrepreneur, author, business professional, nonprofit leader or someone else who has something important to say:

• You get to share an important message with the world
• You get to transform even one person's life
• You get to raise money for your cause
• You get to show your boss that you're a rock star
• You get to show the world your expertise and authority on a subject
• You get to learn and grow from your mistakes
• You get to build confidence in your abilities

(And there are more...)

And then I might argue: What if you learned to like public speaking, or even love it? What then? What could you do with this skill? Where could it take you?

My friends, colleagues and clients do a lot of avoiding of public speaking. And by "avoiding," I mean either not pursuing speaking opportunities or saying no when opportunities are presented.

And these reasons are not all about fear, by the way. Many of my clients  are comfortable speaking, and they avoid it anyway - until they can't any longer! Some common excuses:

• They don't have time to prepare
• They don't know what to talk about
• They don't know where to begin
• They don't know how to end
• They don't know how to structure a presentation effectively
• They don't think they know enough about their topic
• They don't know how to be engaging and make their topic interesting
• They don't think they're the right person to speak on the topic

And so on...

This is a vicious circle, right? You don't make time to properly prepare or practice... and then you give a presentation that's only so-so... and you don't enjoy yourself... and the audience looks bored... so you assume that this is just something you don't like and you're not good at.

And because it's something you don't like and you're not good at... you don't take more opportunities to practice and learn how to do it right... so you only give a presentation once a year... and every time it's like starting all over again.

It doesn't have to be this way!

• I can show you how to prepare and practice
• I can help you discover what to talk about
• I can teach you where to begin and how to end
• I can give you tools to structure a presentation effectively

And...

• You DO know enough about your topic
• You CAN be engaging and make your topic interesting
• You ARE the right person to speak on the topic

If you're avoiding speaking because you don't know where to start, what to talk about and how to put it all together, I've got you covered.

If you're avoiding speaking because of discomfort, fear of judgement, fear of making mistakes, or any of the other fears that we face when making a big statement to the world:

“You’re not controlling your fear.  You’re stepping outside of it.”

 Another Alex Honnold gem, there.

I've got a downloadable, DIY, on-demand product for you that is going to help you build every presentation on a solid foundation of concrete. No more excuses. No more avoiding. No more fear (well, a little is okay, but not if it keeps you avoiding!). Just forward action.

Click the image to grab your new Presentation Foundation Quickstart Kit. Eyes wide open!

https://coachlisab.com/quickstart-kit.html

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Why your role model doesn't have all the answers

"You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world's problems at once. But don't ever underestimate the importance you can have, because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own." ~ Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama is one of our country's most beloved role models. Her advocacy, sense of style, willingness to speak authentically about a range of issues, and of course, her book (which took only 15 days to break the record for the most copies of any book sold in 2018), have made raving fans of millions of people.

Positive role models often embody characteristics we wish we had. Even when we know that role models are human and flawed, just like all of us, we find comfort in knowing there are people in the world whose work, behavior or abilities we can admire and even strive to emulate.

But I believe that in looking up to role models, we discount our own ability to influence others.

We look to role models to speak up, because they're celebrities (in one way or another), they have a bigger platform, they already have the attention of many, and they have the superpower of being able to bounce back from bad press or criticism. Sometimes it seems like speaking up is something "other people" do.

Maybe it takes the pressure off; if someone else is speaking up for change, you don't have to. It's easy to hide behind our role models, to share their quotes on Facebook, to give their books as gifts, to pay top dollar to hear them speak at events, and to continue to let them do all the advocacy and activism.

Michelle Obama impacts millions of people, but she doesn't resonate with everyone. None of us will resonate with everyone.

But what if you could impact 100 people with your message? What if you could impact ten people? What if you could change one person's life? 

What if you could be someone else's role model?

Guess what: You already are!

There are people who look up to you. Your message and your story are unique to you, and there are people who need to hear exactly what you have to say, in the unique way that you say it.

In fact, you might be advocating for the same important issues as a well-known celebrity or other known personalities or experts, and yet you have the opportunity to connect with individuals and your community on a personal level that a celebrity rarely gets.

Role models are often inspiring teachers and examples to us. But don't forget that you can also be a role model, and probably already are.

Don't wait for the someone else to speak up. Now is the time. You have the right message. And you are the right person for the people who need you. And believe me, people need you.

Michelle Obama said it herself in the quote above: "...don't ever underestimate the importance you can have, because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own."

Now, who are you going to go out and inspire?

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If you desire to impact and influence your audiences in a bigger way through speaking up for change, there are still spots open in my new Speaking Up For Change: Engage, Inspire, Transform online program starting September 10.

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On The Everything Page you'll find everything you need to build visibility, credibility and influence through engaging presentations that move your participants into action: freebies, low-cost products and courses, and 1:1 coaching!

Your lizard brain doesn't want you to speak

My clients will frequently say to me, "I don't understand why I'm so nervous. There must be something wrong with me." Well, if it's wrong to be human, I guess we all have something wrong with us!

What we forget is that, while we are indeed human, we are also animals. Human animals, but still animals. And there is a very primitive part of our brain that still behaves as though we're living in a world populated by lions and other scary predators that are waiting to devour us if we remove ourselves from the safety of our herd. This part of the brain, the part that regulates our "fight or flight" response and other subconscious responses, is the limbic system—also called our "lizard brain," although it's not the same as what's called the "reptilian brain."

Humans have survived because we're social animals (or herd animals or pack animals, if you like)—we survive because we create cooperative and interdependent societies and groups. We need and depend on these groups, with their complex rules and systems, for our survival. And because we live and work in these groups, one of the worst things that can happen to a human (or other social animal) is to be kicked out of the group.

We need to belong to our group, so putting ourselves in front of the group, separating ourselves from the group, comes with great risk.

In a nutshell, when you put yourself out in front of an audience as a speaker, you become visible not only to the lions (according to your lizard brain), but also to those in your group who might shun you. Makes sense you would be scared if the result of your presentation might result in you being eaten or ostracized!

Of course, both of these outcomes are unlikely, but it doesn't stop our lizard brain from wanting to protect us. That primitive part of the brain is so tiny, yet has such a great impact in its ability to overrule our logical, and more recently evolved, neocortex.

So how do we manage this lizard brain?

First of all, let's just acknowledge it. There's nothing wrong with you if you're nervous about speaking in front of an audience. It's human nature to want to protect yourself, even though the process happens deep in your subconscious. Those of us who speak all the time and have been doing it for decades still get nervous! Yes, there's that lizard brain, but also, we just want to do a good job. We want our audiences to have a great experience and learn something. We do put human pressures on ourselves to succeed.

Second, there are many tools available that can help you work around that fight or flight response, the adrenaline that your body produces when your lizard brain feels threatened.

Some people prefer to dissipate the excess energy through jumping, stretching, "shaking like a dog" (that's a contribution from a client of mine who's a therapist), or moving their bodies in some way.

Others prefer to try calming strategies, such as breathing, listening to quiet music, meditating, or reading. By the way, if you ever watch athletes behind the scenes before a competition, you'll witness a variety of these strategies.

Third, understand that, with practice and experience, your nervousness will lessen over time. It very likely will not go away completely, and you will have some speaking engagements that dredge up more anxiety than others. The best way to manage your lizard brain is to speak frequently and get used to the sensations that adrenaline creates, and then work on managing your thoughts and your body so that you recover more quickly from your nerves.

And for fun, here's a short video that explains the lizard brain in an animated fashion.



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My triple Axel moment

If you don't watch figure skating (and even if you do), you may not understand the importance of the triple Axel in competition.

First of all, it's the only forward-facing jump in the skaters' arsenal. All other jumps are executed while skating backward. It's also the most difficult of the six jumps figure skaters do, with the highest potential point totals. 

Women skaters are required to include an Axel in competition, usually executing doubles, but three American women have landed triples (requiring three-and-a-half rotations in the air) in competition. It's a pretty big deal.

You might have realized that I'm not a figure skater, but I did recently have a "triple Axel moment."

There was a time when you would see a skater skip a jump during their program and add it back in at the end. Adding in a jump that was missed is penalized now, and most skaters won't do it because of the precise choreography that's rehearsed over and over. But from time to time, you'll still see a skater throw in a jump late in the program that was unexpected. Something similar happened to me during the Storytellers Project event last month.

I had been practicing this ten-minute story for about two months. By the time the event came around, I was able to tell the story pretty smoothly each time I rehearsed. There were a few transitions I kept getting stuck on, but the great thing about a storytelling event is the fact that you're telling a story! It's not a presentation; it's not a TED talk; it doesn't have to be memorized or use the exact same wording every time. It's a story.

I was the first teller on stage; what a relief! I could sit back, relax, and watch all the other tellers once I was done!

I will confess that I struggled with some aspects of the event. First, there was a fixed mic on a stand in the middle of the stage, and we were not allowed to remove it or walk around the stage, for the purposes of videotaping. I'm used to moving around the stage or the room, and it was awkward to have to stand in one place. But I had practiced this way, so it wasn't as awkward as I expected it to be.

Another thing that was strange for me: Stage lighting! My speaking engagements are mostly trainings in training rooms or conference rooms. The room is fully lit and I can see and interact with everyone. In the case of the storytellers event, the room was darkened, there was lighting on me, and I could only see silhouettes of the audience members. Because I couldn't see their faces, I couldn't read their energy or nonverbal responses, and just had to listen for verbal cues (hmmm, ahhs, laughter), to know how I was doing!

I started my story, and to my delight, the audience was right there with me. Going first, I didn't know how "warmed up" they would be. Were they ready? Would I have to warm them up for the other speakers? Well, they were warm. Early on, I got a laugh just where I wanted it. I relaxed and got into the story.

And then... I lost my place! And this was not a segment I had ever messed up in practice, so I hadn't developed mental tricks to find my way back. It was GONE. In my mind, I panicked, but out loud, I just continued on with the first thing that came to mind.

As I spoke, I reached into my brain to search for the missing piece of the story. Ahh, THERE it is! I remembered what it was that I had skipped, and as I continued telling the story, I now determined where to slip the segment back in.

Whew. Done. Segment re-inserted (my triple Axel moment), and my story continued to the end with no more mishaps.

It's hard to describe how I could be telling the story and engaging with the audience while being in my head rearranging the story so I could put the missing piece back in.

What I will say is that this is what experience gets you. I have been speaking, teaching and training for about 26 years, and I because I know my material and I don't fear making mistakes any more, I don't get into an outward "panic mode." I know how to stay calm and keep my wits about me. And I understand the importance of practice and rehearsal for newer material, so I can do things like rearrange a talk on the fly.

Skaters have muscle memory; their bodies know exactly what to do and when, even if they get thrown off in the moment by a mistake. They fall, and then they get up and keep going and complete the routine.

Speakers also have muscle memory. After having practiced out loud enough times, we can also pick up where we left off in a program, even after a mistake.

This is why I encourage my clients to practice more than they think they need to! And why I encourage my clients and audiences who are newer to speaking to take as many speaking engagements as possible. There is no substitute for experience.

As I came down from the stage and took my seat next to my husband, I heard him say "It was perfect." I said, "You didn't notice that I totally left out a piece of the story and then added it back in later?" Nope. He didn't notice a thing. Of course, he didn't have my story memorized. But he also didn't see me panic, didn't notice an awkward pause, and didn't find the flow to be interrupted in any way.

Success!

Click here to watch the video if you'd like to hear the story (it's about ten minutes long), and especially if you'd like to try to spot the mishap!

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